Suffering from anxiety is not easy. There are a lot of things in my mind that keeps me dysfunctional. People often say that it is just a low-grade fear. But for me, it is never like that. It creates edginess in my life. It makes me so dreadful. But recently, I realized that it is not about the idea that I am anxious that stops me from doing what I have to do. Instead, it is the condition’s continual threat to my mental health.
What I Feel
With my anxiety, things are different. Sunny days become the interlude of my life, and the main focus is the fear which I don’t know where the heck comes from. I can’t relax, I can’t feel okay, and I can’t stop thinking about anything. I feel like I appear trapped in a situation where all I can see is problems without solutions. There is a constant worry, suspicions, doubt, and inconsistent life-decisions. Yes, I know I need help. I am very much open to seeking a bit of advice from a professional mental health expert. However, the problem is, even the idea of having a conversation with a stranger brings a ten times fold of anxiety. There is this cloud in my head that always tells me that I will never get better. With that, things are swirling all around me.
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What I hate about this mental condition is its capability to ruin my life in an instant. It creates a disproportional balance in my social life and personality growth. I can’t think. I can’t concentrate, and I can’t find a way to make myself better. I understand that I should try my best to bring the courage of me wanting to recover. However, I just can’t. I feel so attached to these big heaps of “what ifs.” The uncertainties are buildup on top of each other.
What Others See
I understand how people judge me because I know I am feeling a little different. Some say I’m weird for liking this, and there goes I don’t. Others think that I am overacting or something, and that’s fine. I respect how they see me outside because I get the potential to use that criticism and judgment to help myself. Although truthfully, it does hurt quite a lot. What others don’t see is that I never want this mental condition. I never signed up for this, and I am not happy that it is ruining my decisions, relationships, as well as my whole life. I want this out.
Being anxious all the time made me realize that there are so many things going on in life that do not apply to everybody. I understand that the only way for me to recover is to help myself. I also know that the mental condition requires immediate treatment. However, I am just too scared to try. I am afraid that instead of getting better, things will get worse. I am anxious about nothing because “nothing” is genuinely scary.